Originally posted on May 16, 2007

 

J. K. Rowling announces that two characters will die off in the final book of the long-running series. The following text is mysteriously leaked to the comments page of a friend’s Livejournal.

 

Edited slightly from the original to correct grammatical and spelling errors.

 

It’s a pity she didn’t announce that two characters were going to die before writing the book. Then we could have put them all into the Big Brother Castle, and voted off the one we most wanted to survive every week (otherwise it’d be a really short series).

 

Rita Skeeter, the annoying reporter from whichever book it was, presents the whole thing until she realises that the only people left in the castle are Hermione and herself. Viktor Krum stages a daring rescue as Rowling realises that her Mary Sue is about to be killed off. Paedophiles around the world rejoice.

 

Harry and Ginny attempt to enter the Eurovision Snog contest, but are shouted off the stage for being disgusting (to the general dismay of aforementioned paedophiles), and Alan Johnson starts an enquiry into why Hogwart’s doesn’t teach basic English. Undeterred, Harry applies to Edinburgh and is given a free laptop for being unable to spell.

 

Meanwhile Greg Dyke mistakenly receives 10000 copies of a DVD depicting John Sweeney blowing up during an interview with Voldemort, but as they are blocking the door to his office, he is unable to do anything about it. It turns out that Voldemort’s entire knowledge of the BBC hierarchy is based on reruns of Dead Ringers. Sweeney claims to have been followed by Death Eaters for the previous week, and apologises profusely for not doing it earlier, thus wasting several days of Voldemort’s valuable time trying to get something incriminating on film.

 

Mysteriously, the DVD turns out to consist of generic soundbites from stock footage, with no reference to Sweeney whatsoever, apart from the voiceover and some highly edited recordings of the interview. An astroturfing campaign attempts to make the phrase "some people say" hate speech.

 

Coincidentally, Youtube’s account creation server crashes, due to the entire population of Death Eaters attempting to register on the same day, narrowly beating Blizzard for the coveted Bill Clinton award for going down fastest.

© 2002-2016 James Matthews. All rights reserved.

 
 
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